“As for me, all I know is that I know nothing”, Socrates.
There are so many things in life that you assume you understand the meaning of; so many things that are in the shadows of our knowledge. They are blurry and peripheral but we think know about them for the same reason we don’t know. That is, because we haven’t had the chance to shine a bright light on them; experience them. They are just letters sitting next to each other – with other letters to define them.
I believe that not so long ago, I would have told you that I knew what ‘soul searching’ was. Of course I would have. It will come as no surprise that after losing Judy, that is what I spend a lot of time doing. The thing is, for months I thought I was soul searching when really what I was doing was learning how to soul search. I’m probably not alone among those who’ve embarked on this search but fell into a cavern right out of the gate. Looking inward to my soul, my being, my mind for answers. It’s 'soul' searching right? Look into your soul for the answers! The only thing is, if the answers were in your soul wouldn’t you already know them? Maybe, maybe not.
Life is about perspective. I have written about this before and here it comes around again. I am looking for answers to some pretty big questions. All of which probably fall under the “What the hell do I do now?” umbrella. As you can imagine, it’s impossible to do any real thinking with three small children underfoot. So, I run; primarily in the desert where there are few people around. It’s just me and my thoughts. I let them flow through me like they are part of the wind. I breathe them in and breathe them out. This was my chosen method of searching my soul. My perspective was narrow. I was looking at myself from close by – like looking at my shirt or shoes. As you might be guessing: not too many answers to be found.
On most of my runs, at some point, I am up high. I always stop and admire the view of the city below; the mountains in the distance. The life going on…out there. One recent day it struck me that I needed that same perspective when searching my soul for answers. I couldn’t just look inside myself from right here. I have to step outside myself and rocket up a few thousand feet in order to get a good look. Since that day, my picture has seemed much clearer. I don’t have all the answers I need but I feel them. They are on my radar now. They are under stones that I can now see.