I have had the sense that this is worse than I expected it to be. But every time that thought approaches I realize that it’s not correct. I just didn’t understand why until giving it some critical thought.
There is a transitory relationship between our actions and our feelings (about our actions). How we feel is everything. It is who we are. We are not because we think, we are because of the feelings we have about what we think.
The actions we performed in the past create memories based on the feelings we had at the time. When we look back on the past, our associations are mainly with the feelings and less with the actions that caused them.
In the present, our actions and feelings are married and occurring, for the most part, simultaneously.
I think that most of us are more or less aware of these two aspects of our behavior/emotion relationship.
The future is different. When you think about the future, you think about the things you will do. The actions you will take. You will probably think of the chain of consequences that may follow your decision to do one thing or another. How you will feel while doing those things is only an idea, if that. Rarely do you conjure the exact (or any) feelings you will have in the future just by thinking of the future.
It was unavoidable that I would think about my future after she was gone. I only thought of the things I would do. What I would need to do. What I would want to do. What I would not want to do. I was unattached to how I would really feel while doing these things…and during all the time in between.
The sadness and disillusionment that accompanies everything I do makes my day to day reality seem unreal. Surreal, besides being overused, doesn’t even describe it. It’s a fake, Twilight Zone, paper world; held together only by the unending love I have for my children.
WOW - I had honestly never thought about that. I am grateful that you have your children. I know that whenever something hard is going on in my life (though minute in comparison to your hard) it is the responsibility and love for my children that makes me get up and continue on in that hardness. We pray for you and for your family.
ReplyDeleteChris,
ReplyDeleteThis is ridiculously insightful. It’s like you just blew my mind about something I already totally knew, but never fully grasped. You are an amazing writer. Please write a book or at least be sure to post online once a week... at least for the mental stimulation and benefits of venting to the unknown. It’ll be therapeutic and inspiring.
Something to keep in mind, do not let your emotions now deter you from doing things that may be positives in the future. An action that makes you feel like crap today may not be so bad someday.
I am so sorry for what you have and are going through. You and your family have been in my thoughts and will continue to be. Until your next post, I remain your faithful reader and friend.
Gab, you are too kind. I totally miss you! I hope we meet up again sometime.
ReplyDeleteChris, you have a real gift (as Gabby says) that should be shared with others. Keep writing my friend.
ReplyDeleteI tell my friends over and over that until you have children, you just can't understand the type of love a human is capable of. It is apparent this type of love is part of your life.
Peace.