Monday, December 20, 2010

The River

I’ve been avoiding the pain lately. I said I wasn’t going to, but…
Last week would have been our 10 year anniversary. I went out with friends that night. It was fun. The night out was meant to keep me from staying home in sadness. It worked. Although, I’d already been keeping myself from the sadness so maybe I would have been okay at home.
I told a friend several weeks ago that I’d decided to let the pain and sadness come whenever it wanted to; to come through me and around me. I felt like what I had described as an ocean of sadness before was more like a raging river. If I turned my back on it, it would collect like a lake behind a dam. The weight would increase until it was too much to hold back. By that point, it might be too powerful to let by without being carried away or crushed. I told my friend that if my sorrow was flowing like a river, then I would stand out in the middle and face it. It would soak my legs and splash my face. But I would stand and let it go around me.
What happened to that? How did I end up turning my back without intending to do so? Now I feel like the lake has started to form. But it’s not too late turn around and let the river flow again. Christmas is coming and that was her time. She is here and so I ask her to help me.

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