My 4 year old son dropped a grenade in my pocket tonight and I didn’t even realize it. We were in my closet. (I think I may call it the ‘epicenter of my pain’ from now on...) We had just taken a shower and were getting ready for bed. He casually asked, “What are we going to do with all of mommy’s clothes?” “That is a very good question”, I answered. “I honestly don’t know. What do you think we should do with them”? “Box them up and give them away”, he said, matter of factly. I told him that was probably a fine idea and that they would go to people who needed them. At the time this little exchange didn’t stand out. It was organic – as they say – and in the flow of what we were doing. Meaning, we weren’t just sitting there on the floor, in silence staring at her stuff. We were getting dressed and chatting and moving around. It seemed normal. It was normal. After he fell asleep I got up and went to the kitchen. I ate of piece of cake that a neighbor brought over with a card expressing their condolences. I stepped into my office and sat at my desk. His words crept back into my mind. “Box them up and give them away”. Clink, clink, clink went the sound of the grenade pin hitting the floor. 4…3…2…1…BLAM!
So far, whenever I remember that she’s gone forever I either sob uncontrollably or I quickly think of something else. I don’t avoid the thought to avert the tears but the bone throbbing anguish that accompanies them. Or worse, what if I think about her being gone forever and it doesn’t make me cry anymore. That is obviously inevitable, but I don’t want to be ready for that. However, I didn’t think twice about discussing the disposal of her belongings with our son, sans tears…or immediate pain. To be honest, I have started to occasionally think about aspects of this situation that I will be okay with. Those thoughts are in such stark contrast to the pain and loss that they cause me to feel confused and sick. I don’t want to be okay with this. I don’t want to box her stuff up and give it away.
I don't think there's even the tiniest part of you that is OK with this, Chris. Your body and brain protect you from the horror of it, in fleeting moments. And once you arrive at the place where the foreverness doesn't make you cry, you won't feel confused or sickened over it, because you'll have clarity and perspective. That won't be a betrayal. It will just be that some healing has taken place.
ReplyDeleteMy friends who have lost spouses say the pain never leaves. It just lets up a little over time. They take solace in the fact that they don't just flip a switch one day - that the loss of their partners remains, even as life gets easier. This makes a lot of sense to me.
I love the way you write. You honor Judy so nobly with your raw reflections. Thank you for sharing her with us in this way.
Sending lots of love to your closet and your heart.
Katie
What you are saying makes total sense, and at the same time, whatever you are feeling doesn't have to make sense at all.
ReplyDeleteHang on to a few items, to pass on to your children later, and to curl up next to now and then in the meantime.
Definitely keep some of Judy's favorite/really fashionable articles of clothing for the girls. I promise you that they will LOVE the day they fit into them and show them off. It's also a little something of her that they can hold on to. Jewelry too. There's something about a piece of jewelry that is so, so intimate. It's like our favorite jewelry holds a part of our soul forever.
ReplyDeleteMaybe you could slowly, over time, box it and then put it in the garage and perhaps later you'd feel more comfortable letting go and donating it.
Hang in there and keep writing.
Your ability to feel, describe and deliver such emotion with only words is powerful, thought provoking and courageous. I believe you have a gift and I believe sharing it in any forum will help you and many others heal. I love you.
ReplyDeleteP.S. I’m having Tacos for dinner; you can see them on my FB status. I assume you won’t be selecting the “like” option?
Definitely make a special "treasure chest" for each child with a few things that were "mom's" that they will cherish forever.
ReplyDeleteLeo sounds so much like her: pointing out the practical thing to do, which always seemed to involve helping others. It seems very practical to pack things up and give them to others who need them and I would see Judy wanting you to do that. But practical is no where near easy in moments such as these. Chris, take your time, do this when you are ready, and do not do this alone.
ReplyDeleteIt is not a betrayal to think of Judy and not have the bone throbbing pain that come along with it. The two of you were so happy. You will carry those memories with you for the rest of your life and while your happy memories will be tinged with the melancholy of knowing that she is gone, rely on the warmth of those happy memories. Judy lives on in you and in your children and we know that she would want you all to be happy.
You are amazing for sharing your thoughts and feelings with us. For that I thank you.
My grandfather passed away just a few days after Mrs. Grimes. We are having a quilt made with some of the clothes we always remember him wearing. I imagine that on the days we miss him the most, we will snuggle with it and remember our most beloved memories. The clothes that have less meaning I am sure that we will donate to someone in need...eventually. Just because you just talked about this with Leo doesn't mean you have to do it now. You will know when you are ready, and that may be years from now which is just fine.
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