I walked into our closet last night and without premeditation, started going through her things. A hat box, a shoe box, the jewelry.
It started slow but gained momentum. I was unconscious; driven.
The clothes, the clothes, the clothes. It was creeping up, I didn’t know it.
Into every pocket of every purse, clutch, bag.
A sucker punch: her driver’s license.
The clothes, the clothes, the clothes. It was creeping up, I didn’t know it.
Into every pocket of every purse, clutch, bag.
A sucker punch: her driver’s license.
I had found what I didn’t know I was looking for. Her. The crushing load of reality pinned me to the carpet. Sobbing pleads for her return fall away into space. I was weightless but paralyzed. Every molecule of my being screaming away from each other towards their own little corner of the universe. My gravity is weak. Their return is slow.
wow...i am glad that you are allowing yourself to "feel". I pray you find comfort and peace. Thank you for being brave and sharing.
ReplyDelete-eh
One of my favorite teachers once told me that I would never be given a challenge that was so big that I could not overcome it, learn from it, and grow from it. I have been reminded of Mrs. GP's words often over the past year or so as I watched my aunt slip away.
ReplyDeleteMy aunt meant more to me than anyone in the world and I wish that I could tell you that this would be the hardest part, but they are all the "hardest parts." I have come to realize the truth in Mrs. GP’s words more than ever as I have found that for the moment, I do have just enough strength to get through the moment. Some moments are big-- going through her things-- other moments are small-- listening to her favorite song on the radio. Each moment presents its’ own special challenge, but with the new challenge come renewed strength.
Please know Chris, you will find the strength that you need to get through all of the moments of this unbearable process of learning to live without someone so dear. Remember that while she is not physical here, she is always and forever with you.
I pray that you find peace and comfort through this long and difficult journey.